Have you ever had those days where you feel like you can hardly breathe? It's like I'm not sure if I want to laugh, cry, scream, or do all of the above in some twisted hybrid version. I'm so lonely I can hardly stand it and even though I'm doing everything right, working, not whoring around the town, not being an alcoholic or a drug addict, it seems my son still can find nothing good about his life or about me for that matter, and of late has made it his personal mission to make things absolutely horrific for me and his little brother. I also am tired of being the person who's making other people feel good. I'm always that person who's up, who has all the answers, who comes across like everything is great. Well, it's not great. It sucks, and I can literally feel my soul crying out for someone to just reach out and hold me, take care of me for just a little bit. You know, like a battery charger of sorts? Maybe most of it is, I'm just tired of being alone. I spend every night, every weekend alone. I sometimes think I could slip so easily out of this life that hardly a soul would miss me, except for they'd have to replace me at my job which would really be a large inconvenience for them I'm sure. God, who knows? This is (in the words of Vonnegut) jumbled and jangled. It's hard to put coherent words down when I can hardly make sense of them in my own head. All I can say is things better change and fast. I cannot do this much longer. I'm tired of it, and I really don't see any change on the horizon. C. |