This is for the one I love....

Even though he doesn't know it yet.... :)

Head Bowed

I feel you in all my moments

As I lament my choice

To be silent

To be weak

To do what's right for everyone else

While I kill myself day by day,

Slitting my throat not by inches, but

By miles....

All at once...

On the day I loved you,

The idea of your mind

Your insight

The idea of you

It

Overpowered me

My weakness was wrapped up in you,

And all doubt was coupled

And spent

In itself

Vanity far gone

Ecstasy reaching

And love rescinding

At last

To be understood.

You come

Head bowed,

While my hands reach

For home,

At last...

In all death, Vonnegut says, so it goes.....

Though I'm not dead, I feel my life had gone through it forward and backward, and everything I had known it to be is gone.

For the last few weeks, I almost forget to eat, let alone blog and talk to all of you---some of my favorite people.  I"m sorry about that.

 Especially to Ken, who I wanted to know all about wedding and fireworks.

To Doc, sorry I missed my story line

To Shante' hope your man is being nice to you--OR ELSE

To Freshmaker, your stuff always made me feel good about mine;  I"ve missed that...

Anyway, I think I'm back....

And truly , for those of you who are my good comrades, I've missed you.  :)

Peace,

C.

No Reconciliation

You glance

Over me like

I'm nothing

Speaking words

To no one but yourself

I suffer your

Absence

Your stare

Your hollow words...

Like a stone beneath heals.

I'm no more than refuse

An unhappy reminder

Of your sins

Your unqrequited desires...

The longing you cannot fill...

There will be

No reconciliation

No confession

No purity

As your sin...

Will define you

Til death

Til eternity

Til dust...

Hmm...

Great Stuff...

What is it exactly?

I'm asking....

I hope I  get a good answer...

Peace,

C.

I've been thinking tonight about how many times I've been left....

Not just in love either...

In all things...

I have always been pushing others toward greatness while I settle back into nothing...

And trust me....nothing of nothing is well..cliche' music and words take over.... is NOTHING.

Damn....get me out of here.

C.

"Hoppy" Easter You All...

Wow, I can't believe I got this to work...

Anyway......peace all...

C.

  Cool New Graphics - MySpace/Friendster

Currently Listening The Poison By Bullet for My Valentine Tears Don't Fall

Take a moment?

Yes, take a moment.

Or don't. 

It's completely up to you, and one of the most wonderful things about being a human being is the fact that you can choose to do as you choose.

I would never expect anyone to listen to what I have to say, unless it made some kind of sense to them.  I mean, they may listen, and agree completely (be assured..this rarely happens).  They may listen, and buy some of what I'm selling, or they may just say, she is insane.

Whatever their choice, Itake some of that response and use it in my life, my studies, etc.  The rest of it I chalk up to them being morons of course.  : )

Ultimately, I can offer, and whatever people choose to take from that, no longer has much to do with me.

So, when I have my moments of "quiet observation" do not take it as preaching or as suggestion, or as anything for that matter.  Simply take it as a statement of how I might be feeling at that moment.  Granted, just like my personality, it will change in not too much time.

And speaking of time--

Time, it simply is. 

We can choose to let its artificiality run our lives, or we can merely mark its pseudo-necessity and live our lives as we see makes logical sense, and time is never wasted unless we believe it is. 

It is, however, an artificial way that most of us live our lives, so we feel compelled to make sure we have enough of it in any given day.  We live by the clock, the watch, the cell phone, the sidekick, or whatever other modern time keeping device we've become a slave to. 

How we choose to spend our time is ultimately up to us and whether we waste it or give it way, in almost monetary increments, to those we feel are worthy, is something many (if not all) of us have done at one time or another.

Speaking of time, I spent some of mine over the past few days with a group of poets and scholars.  Now, I'm sure some of you would rather gouge your eyes or ears out, but for me being surrounded by a group of intellectual people was exhilarating. 

You must keep in mind that I currently live in smalltown/religious freaktown USA, so sitting with them and feeling "relatively normal" was like enjoying a fine Petit Shiraz, wishing the experience would never end, savoring it until all that was left was a drizzle of the wine at the bottom of the bottle.

We sat around for two hours analyzing the metaphysical poetry of John Donne.  He's really a genius.  I had forgotten how powerful his work was, and it felt great to go back and visit such an old friend.

Anyway, here's one that we took a look at.  I hope you'll appreciate it.  If not, then don't.

THE BROKEN HEART.
by John Donne

He is stark mad, whoever says,
    That he hath been in love an hour,
Yet not that love so soon decays,
    But that it can ten in less space devour ;
Who will believe me, if I swear
That I have had the plague a year?
    Who would not laugh at me, if I should say
    I saw a flash of powder burn a day?

Ah, what a trifle is a heart,
    If once into love's hands it come !
All other griefs allow a part
    To other griefs, and ask themselves but some ;
They come to us, but us love draws ;
He swallows us and never chaws ;
    By him, as by chain'd shot, whole ranks do die ;
    He is the tyrant pike, our hearts the fry.

If 'twere not so, what did become
    Of my heart when I first saw thee?
I brought a heart into the room,
    But from the room I carried none with me.
If it had gone to thee, I know
Mine would have taught thine heart to show
    More pity unto me ; but Love, alas !
    At one first blow did shiver it as glass.

Yet nothing can to nothing fall,
    Nor any place be empty quite ;
Therefore I think my breast hath all
    Those pieces still, though they be not unite ;
And now, as broken glasses show
A hundred lesser faces, so
    My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore,
    But after one such love, can love no more

Peace,

C.

Well, for those of you who noticed I was gone---I'm back.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, and I just couldn't find the time to get on here and regale you with my greatness. 

And then the times I could, well, I had no greatness to regale you with--what a sad conundrum.

Anyway, I am back, and I have this week off, though it's still fairly loaded with work and projects.  I am sometimes convinced that we need a vacation from our vacations.

Well, I shall post more soon.

Hope you all have been well...

Peace--

C.