Wounded
And bleeding

With a plethera
Of pain
Raging
Burning
Inside my veins
Your name
Seared on
My heart.

You smile
Your eyes giving
no clue
To the deceit that lies
beneath
Though
Each time
You speak--
You betray.

As Brutus to Caesar
You slay me
And leave me to bleed
With only a whispered question
On my still lips

Et tu?

Have you ever had those days where you feel like you can hardly breathe?

It's like I'm not sure if I want to laugh, cry, scream, or do all of the above in some twisted hybrid version.

I'm so lonely I can hardly stand it and even though I'm doing everything right, working, not whoring around the town, not being an alcoholic or a drug addict, it seems my son still can find nothing good about his life or about me for that matter, and of late has made it his personal mission to make things absolutely horrific for me and his little brother.

I also am tired of being the person who's making other people feel good. I'm always that person who's up, who has all the answers, who comes across like everything is great. 

Well, it's not great. It sucks, and I can literally feel my soul crying out for someone to just reach out and hold me, take care of me for just a little bit.  You know, like a battery charger of sorts?

Maybe most of it is, I'm just tired of being alone.  I spend every night, every weekend alone.  I sometimes think I could slip so easily out of this life that hardly a soul would miss me, except for they'd have to replace me at my job which would really be a large inconvenience for them I'm sure.

God, who knows?

This is (in the words of Vonnegut) jumbled and jangled.  It's hard to put coherent words down when I can hardly make sense of them in my own head.

All I can say is things better change and fast.  I cannot do this much longer.

I'm tired of it, and I really don't see any change on the horizon.

C.

Etched

Ruined--

Pieces of you

Fall.

Ash and

Fire

Smolder...

Her name

In vain,

You seek

Refuge

The simulated

Is the

Real.

I kneel

And think

It's enough

My knees,

Our knees,

Burning...

Our sin

Etched---

Eternally...

Hello everyone:

Well, I think I am finally settled in my new town, my new job, and my new home.  It has been a stressful and busy two months.

I hope everyone is well, and I've missed talking to you.

I hope to update my blog soon.

Be well everyone....

C.

Okay, I decided that I've been on here long enough to actually put some real photos of myself on here instead of abstract art work.  Now, I hope none of you get too scared after seeing them.  :)

Anyway, they are on my profile page.  Most of them are from school.  Strange thing, before I worked around so many kids with cameras, I had no photos of myself.  I kind of still wish that were the case.  Anyway, most of these were sent to me by my students, otherwise, I'd have none.

Also, I added a link to my MySpace page on my blog.  This is mostly because I can never get any kind of or music to post right on here.  Make me frustrated!

When there is a song I really like, I'll usually put it on my MySpace, so yeah.

Anyway, long story short, there is this amazing new song (as one tough cookie knows) called "Breathe into Me" by a band called Red.  It may be of interest to some of you that they are a Christian Rock band.  I didn't actually know that.  I just liked their music, but I thought it was a nice added plus.

So, I think that's it.

Please listen to the song.  It's AMAZING>>>>

Currently Listening Letting Go By Earshot My Time see related

This Dance

(Written for my friend Hector)

Falling upon me

As dust

To an unused

Table

You cover all

That I am.

Once touched

I spend minutes

Hours

Days

Trying to rid

Myself

Of your clinging

Film

Of your

Muddling

Intrusion.

No matter how many

Times

I wipe you away

You return

Almost stronger than

Before

Unrelenting

In your presence.

And intent.

Tonight

I make my stand

As

I strike

The match

And watch it

Fall silently

Igniting

And destroying

This dance

At last...

Well, after much careful consideration I have dubbed myself by royal superhero decree as Mistress Crazy Legs of Boxland.

I must thank my general at arms Captain Underwear for this fine idea.  It is fine indeed.

Also, Gladiator Man....you are much appreciated as well.

Status Update:

Five more boxes packed.

Almost done with the office....

I just have to say you guys (and gals) rock.  Though I will forego the running around in my underwear with a yellow cape screaming at the top of my lungs, I will think about it while I'm packing, which I think in some strange and twisted way, will help.  :)

Anyway, thanks for the support.  How said is it that I get more support from people I've never met than my own "REAL" friends.  Sometimes I think I pick the wrong type of people as friends.  Too bad you all don't live closer. 

Anyway, the status report for today as of 8:57 AM is as follows:

Nine boxes packed

Four taken out to the garage

That's it so far.  I do have to leave at 12:00 to pick up my son in Eau Claire, so we'll see how far I get between now and then.

Thank you again, everyone.  You guys are the best.

C.

I am trying to pack up my house for a move that's going to take place the first week of August, and I seriously think there is something wrong with me.  I'm literally tired before I start. 

Once, I'm able to get a couple of boxes packed, then I just stare at them thinking...hmmm....someone should carry those outside to the garage.  Needless to say, that take another hour or so.

ARGGGHHH...

I think the bottom line is I'm overwhelmed, but I don't know how to get "unoverwhelmed" (yes that's a word). :)

I'm also not sure how I'm getting all this stuff to my new place, as my family is being kind of vague about committing, and I'm too broke to hire movers that aren't free.  :)

Well, sorry for the bitch fest.  I don't feel much better after writing all this, but at least a tad better.

Have a good afternoon all...

I'm going to go stare at boxes.

C.

50 Off The Wall Questions

1. What do you say most when you're trying NOT to curse?
ARGHHHH...

2. Do You Own An Ipod?
No, I'm not rich.

3. What Person  Do You Talk To The Most?
Myself

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
No time.

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
Sure, why not?

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
Yeah.

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
TAke it.

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
I took my son to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

9.Do any of your friends have kids?
Yes.

10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
No.

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
Yes

12. Are you a cuddler?
Sometimes

13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate milk?
Regular.

14.Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
No.

15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
Five years ago.

16. Do you know anyone who lost their dad within the last year?
Yes.

17. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
No

18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
Yes.

19. Did you watch cartoons as a kid?
Yes.

20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
Napolean Dynamite.

21. What CD is in your car stereo right now?
Mix CD

22. What's your fav. song on that cd?
Tears Don't Fall by BFMV

25. Does anyone like you?
Not Likely.

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Yes.

27. Ever Cry In Public?
Yes.

28. Have you told a secret to someone this week?
No.

29. Who was your first love?
I don't think I've met him yet.

30. Do you think you could ever be in love?
Not sure.

31. Would You Ever Marry Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
Not covered, but I don't mind a few here and there.

32. What Did You Do Before This?
Met with my insurance agent.

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
Like last year.

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
A lot.

35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?
Nopee.

36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
Most days.

37. What are you doing right now?
Trying to make myself pack, but I get get into it.

38. Do you use sarcasm?
No, never.... :)

39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?
Physical no.  Other types?  Many.

40. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
Very.

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Negative

42. Have you ever been beaten up?
No.

43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
Neither one. 

44. Do you like mustard?
Yeah.

45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
Side.

46. Do You Watch The news?
Yes.

47. How Did You Get One Of Your Scars?
In a fire.

48. Last person to make you mad?
My son.

49. Do you think you are someone's first love?
Doubtful.

50. What is the last thing you want to do before the day is over?
Not feel so depressed. 

Currently Listening The Melody And The Energetic Nature of Volume By Evans Blue Beg

You are in my mind,

my darkest friend,

you feed on me,

hungry and starved,

taking all that's mine

and not yours at all.

It's torture,

and my confession,

my realization,

that I cannot stop,

do not want to stop

is acid meeting flesh

face meeting pavement,

life exposed.

Me realizing

that freedom is nothing more

than embracing,

breathing in,

and letting

go

at last.

Well, it's a beautiful summer day today, and the weathermen are predicting upper 90's with lots of humidity.  That should make for a nice burn out in the yard....

Anyway, my move is getting closer and closer, and I'm excited and nervous altogether.

I also had a horrific date this past week which has only reinforced my belief that I need to wait for the one that already has my heart, though that might mean waiting forever, or for quite some time.

Probably sounds foolish, I know.

But then again, I'm still a work in progress, and progressing I shall be until I get it right.

Anyway, hope you are all well.

I'm off to get ice and a pool...

Oh yeah...I'm living the life.....

Currently Listening HURT Vol.1 By Hurt Rapture

Letting Go

Feeling your eyes

Boring through me

Waiting

Staring

Wanting more than I can give

More than I can keep

The hot

Iron of

Need

Seers

My skin

Leaving me

Gasping in

Pain

And

Longing

All at once

Despair

Swirls around

The edges

Darting

Its hungry

Tongue

In search of

My still

Smoking flesh

While I seek

Desperately

To quench the ache

Of letting go...

 Here are some questions from Ken.....

So, here we go... 

1. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say?
Ahhh, I'd like a "re-check?"

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
Funny....ha,ha.  NO!

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
It depends.  I"d have to be in love.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Yes, but we don't always know what it is at any given moment.

5. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
Disloyalty and Stupidity.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Trever

7. When was the last time you snuck out?
hmmmm....too long ago.  That means I'm due!

8. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Hell Yes!

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Yes.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?

About five years ago, on a trip to Alburquerque for work.

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
It said, "okay, looking forward to it."  Referring to my picnic tomorrow with two of my students.

13. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
BRAINS!

15. What are your goals in life?
To find my place.  After that, set a good course for my son.  After that, gain my doctorate, then Ph.D.  I eventually want to teach English at the colllege level.

17. When you get married, how do vision your dream wedding?
HA!


19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would call?
My mom, my sister, Trever

20. How many kids do you want to have?
I have three, no more.

21. Would you make a good parent?
no.

22. Where was your default pic taken?
no where---I don't have one.

23. What is your middle name?
rae

27. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
I want to sleep, but I can't.

28. Are you musical?
If forced...

29. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
Taking the job at the school I work at.  I'd have looked further.

31. What are you wearing right now?
pink polka dot pj bottoms and a white tee-shirt.

32. Righty or Lefty?

Right

33. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
NOPE

34. Best place to go for a date?
My bedroom

35. Favorite jeans?
The ones that fit right.

37. Favorite animal?
Cats.

38. Favorite month?
November--good leaves

39. Favorite juice?
Orange with pulp

40. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes.

41. Have you had a sore throat?
Yes.

42. Have you had plastic surgery?
No.

43. Who knows you the best?
Depends

45. Do you get along with your family?
Depends

44. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Glasses.

46. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
No.

47. Been to Mexico?
No.

49. Did you buy something today?
Flowers for my garden.

50. Did you get sick today?
No.

52. Do you miss someone today?
Trever and Robert.

53. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
No.

55. Last person to lay in your bed?
My son for his nap.  Before that?  HMMM.....

56. Last person to see you cry?
Dumbasses who should burn in hell.

57. Who made you cry?

The situation, but they made it worse.

58. What was the last TV show you watched?
CSI

60. What are your plans for the weekend?

Finish cleaning my yard.

Guess, that's it...

for now....

have a wonderful weekend....

peace,

C.

When certain individuals enter certain fields, they make a promise of sorts.  Judges are sworn in, as are presidents.  Lawyers must adhere to certain ethical standards, while doctors are required to take an oath as well-a Hippocratic one to be exact with the first words being "First do no harm."

Perhaps this is an oath we should all live by, and I think at least most of us do.  I don't think most of us go around maliciously wreaking havoc and meanness upon others.  I mean some people are obviously more vicious than others, but usually only strike out if cornered. 

We all have moments of weakness where we say or do something we don't mean.   In most situations a SINCERE, apology will do the trick. Though I'm sure it's not necessary to remind you, but Adam and Eve suffered that first weakness, and haven't the rest of us been suffering ever since?  Though it might have been a lot worse had they not supplicated at least a bit to God.

Well, anyway, we all screw up, and I am no exception to that list.  My list of screw ups is well beyond the single or even double digits, but I've paid my penance and cried my tears, felt my anger and was almost crushed by my depression.  But somehow, I made it up from that blackness.  I think it was a few well placed words when I needed them from a person I actually believed cared about me.   I think it was also this time that really drew the lines in the sand for me.  Here are my friends; here are my acquaintances, and here are my non-friends.  Anyway, I've made peace with myself, so I will no longer allow myself to be berated for that which is in the past.  As with all things, time moves on, and we better get out of the way or be prepared to be crushed.

Time is the great equalizer, even if it doesn't meet all of our exact deadlines and wants.

Anyway, this is the end of so many things, and I've always thought this particular song by The Doors was most fitting for endings...

This is the end...

My only friend....

This is the end

My only friend the end....

Of our elaborate plans...

The End....

I'll never look into your eyes again...

So here is to the beginning of my end.  And the beginning of my new start....

Peace,

C.

Arghh....

I"m beat.

 I met with my realtor yesterday,and she gave me lots of homework to get done before open house on Tuesday.

 Needless to say, I"ve been working my ASS off all day.

I'm finally done.

At least for today.

Everyone PLEASE cross your fingers for a quick sale!

ARGGHH>

If it doesn't sell, I'm fucked.

BIG TIME...

Anyway, better news later....

I HOPE!

Currently Listening HURT Vol.1 By Hurt Falls Apart

Tis the wind and nothing more...

Mr. Poe was certainly a wise man--a disturbed one, but a wise one nonetheless.

Sometimes, it's just the wind.

Sometimes, a smile is just a smile.

Sometimes, things just simply are.

We always like to make them larger than they are, to assign some grand scheme of meaning to them.  It's true, and I know I do it just as much as the next person.

But there are times, aren't there, where things just are?

There is nothing deeper.

There is nothing more.

And we have to accept and just deal with it--period.

I'm still fluctuating between really wanting things to mean something, to believe in signs per se.  I think this leads me to look for meaning where there isn't any.

So, in essence, and to steal a dear friend's catch phrase, I am "embracing the meaningless."

Interesting concept....

It makes more sense really.  If we embrace nothing, than we never have anything but nothing to lose.

Hmmm....just that and nothing more.

Peace,

C.

Today was an extremely productive day.  I ripped out all the offending grass on my front sidewalk, raked most of the back lawn, mowed the front lawn, planted flowers, re-screened a door and window, and painted some sun catchers with my son. 

Right now, I'm the kind of tired that speaks of a good night's sleep--the kind where your body trumps your mind--no matter how busy it wants to be. 

I've also just cracked a nice bottle of Cabernet, and it is a nice expensive one too.  It's so deep and red, and it reminds of days sitting on boat decks and nights in front of fires---all at the same tme--what a fabulous intermingling.

I have muddled a few things today while ripping weeds by their vile heads out of the ground, and here are a few things I've realized.  I think I knew them before, but I'm a stubborn one, so it takes me awhile somtimes to really buy into what I know is true.

#1. I really do want to fall in love.  I've said I don't, and that I don't need it so many times, I've even made myself sick.  How pathetic is it to protest a thing you most want?  Eghhh.....anyway, as the old saying goes, by the great bard himself, "I think the lady does protest too much?"  And indeed she does, and indeed I do.

#2.  I do need help.  Wow, what a revelation, right?  It's okay to ask for help.  I do plan to do it more often because there's nothing wrong with saying, "hey, could you help me with this?"

#3.  Change is good.  I can make a change in my life and not have to worry that it will irreparably damage me or my kids. Change is a part of life.  It's a good thing for all of us, no matter what our ages.

So, those things said, any single, non-alcoholic, pseudo-normal men out there....I'm looking to meet you.  Well, maybe not you, but you know.  You might have a friend?  :)

Anyway, big changes in my world.  I've obtained a new job teaching at a private school which will require me and my family unit to relocate about seven hours away.  I'm scared a bit, but more excited than anything because I feel like my life has been on pause for the last five years or so.  I'm not saying that good things haven't happened, but I feel I've been waiting--waiting for the next part of it, and I think at last it might be here. 

Anyway, I got some good advice today too.  A good and wise person told me that I need to let more people in, and let them know the kind of person I am.  To be honest, that is a scary thing for me, but I'm going to give it a try because he also let me know that letting people in doesn't mean I can't control how fast that happens.  Thanks for that!

Anyway, this is getting long, and if you haven't stopped reading you might soon. 

So, I'll sign off, and in the words of the ever knowledgeable Spock, "Live Long and Prosper."

Peace,

c.

TONIGHT AT 12:00 THE PERSON YOU LIKE WILL REALIZE THAT THEY LOVE YOU!

IF YOU DON'T REPOST OR FORWARD THIS,  YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST DAY EVER TOMORROW!

EACH SITUATION BELOW REPRESENTS A TYPICAL "RELATIONSHIP" PER SE.  THAT SAID, PLEASE PICK ONE OF THE FOLLOWING THAT MOST ACCURATELY REPRESENTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND REPOST IT WITHIN THE TIME LIMIT.


CUPIDS CHOKEHOLD: If you're taken & confused...

WE FLY HIGH: If you're taken and u like someone else....

BUY YOU A DRANK: If you're single but your heart is taken....

MAKE IT RAIN: If you're single and just goin' with the flow....

I WANNA LOVE YOU: If you're single and you wanna tell someone you like them but not sure how that will go....

IT'S GOIN' DOWN: If you're single....

THIS IS THE WAY I LIVE: you like someone and they like you back but you aren't going out yet....

WALK IT OUT: If you're single and like someone but confused whether they like you back or not.....

DON'T MATTER: If your taken and really happy with that person...

THIS IS WHY I'M HOT:You're just so confused and waiting for someone that wont completely tear you apart.....

PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR: if your single. kinda like someone. but not sure. and you like being single & flirting!!

YOU HAVE 1 HOUR

I look forward to reading your posts....

I had written this great post.

I mean I spent a lot of time on it, and then I tried to post it, and it was gone.

That was horrible.

GRRR!

Anyway, til then, I am still alive, and I do want to thank those who didn't forget me.

Thank you so much to Barnabus, Kenneth, Shante, Doe, and Commontater.

I shall write more about all of it---very soon.

But thank you for always being there, always reading my poems, my rants.

It means more than you know...

THANK YOU!

This is for the one I love....

Even though he doesn't know it yet.... :)

Head Bowed

I feel you in all my moments

As I lament my choice

To be silent

To be weak

To do what's right for everyone else

While I kill myself day by day,

Slitting my throat not by inches, but

By miles....

All at once...

On the day I loved you,

The idea of your mind

Your insight

The idea of you

It

Overpowered me

My weakness was wrapped up in you,

And all doubt was coupled

And spent

In itself

Vanity far gone

Ecstasy reaching

And love rescinding

At last

To be understood.

You come

Head bowed,

While my hands reach

For home,

At last...

In all death, Vonnegut says, so it goes.....

Though I'm not dead, I feel my life had gone through it forward and backward, and everything I had known it to be is gone.

For the last few weeks, I almost forget to eat, let alone blog and talk to all of you---some of my favorite people.  I"m sorry about that.

 Especially to Ken, who I wanted to know all about wedding and fireworks.

To Doc, sorry I missed my story line

To Shante' hope your man is being nice to you--OR ELSE

To Freshmaker, your stuff always made me feel good about mine;  I"ve missed that...

Anyway, I think I'm back....

And truly , for those of you who are my good comrades, I've missed you.  :)

Peace,

C.

Hmm...

Great Stuff...

What is it exactly?

I'm asking....

I hope I  get a good answer...

Peace,

C.

I've been thinking tonight about how many times I've been left....

Not just in love either...

In all things...

I have always been pushing others toward greatness while I settle back into nothing...

And trust me....nothing of nothing is well..cliche' music and words take over.... is NOTHING.

Damn....get me out of here.

C.

"Hoppy" Easter You All...

Wow, I can't believe I got this to work...

Anyway......peace all...

C.

  Cool New Graphics - MySpace/Friendster

Currently Listening The Poison By Bullet for My Valentine Tears Don't Fall

Take a moment?

Yes, take a moment.

Or don't. 

It's completely up to you, and one of the most wonderful things about being a human being is the fact that you can choose to do as you choose.

I would never expect anyone to listen to what I have to say, unless it made some kind of sense to them.  I mean, they may listen, and agree completely (be assured..this rarely happens).  They may listen, and buy some of what I'm selling, or they may just say, she is insane.

Whatever their choice, Itake some of that response and use it in my life, my studies, etc.  The rest of it I chalk up to them being morons of course.  : )

Ultimately, I can offer, and whatever people choose to take from that, no longer has much to do with me.

So, when I have my moments of "quiet observation" do not take it as preaching or as suggestion, or as anything for that matter.  Simply take it as a statement of how I might be feeling at that moment.  Granted, just like my personality, it will change in not too much time.

And speaking of time--

Time, it simply is. 

We can choose to let its artificiality run our lives, or we can merely mark its pseudo-necessity and live our lives as we see makes logical sense, and time is never wasted unless we believe it is. 

It is, however, an artificial way that most of us live our lives, so we feel compelled to make sure we have enough of it in any given day.  We live by the clock, the watch, the cell phone, the sidekick, or whatever other modern time keeping device we've become a slave to. 

How we choose to spend our time is ultimately up to us and whether we waste it or give it way, in almost monetary increments, to those we feel are worthy, is something many (if not all) of us have done at one time or another.

Speaking of time, I spent some of mine over the past few days with a group of poets and scholars.  Now, I'm sure some of you would rather gouge your eyes or ears out, but for me being surrounded by a group of intellectual people was exhilarating. 

You must keep in mind that I currently live in smalltown/religious freaktown USA, so sitting with them and feeling "relatively normal" was like enjoying a fine Petit Shiraz, wishing the experience would never end, savoring it until all that was left was a drizzle of the wine at the bottom of the bottle.

We sat around for two hours analyzing the metaphysical poetry of John Donne.  He's really a genius.  I had forgotten how powerful his work was, and it felt great to go back and visit such an old friend.

Anyway, here's one that we took a look at.  I hope you'll appreciate it.  If not, then don't.

THE BROKEN HEART.
by John Donne

He is stark mad, whoever says,
    That he hath been in love an hour,
Yet not that love so soon decays,
    But that it can ten in less space devour ;
Who will believe me, if I swear
That I have had the plague a year?
    Who would not laugh at me, if I should say
    I saw a flash of powder burn a day?

Ah, what a trifle is a heart,
    If once into love's hands it come !
All other griefs allow a part
    To other griefs, and ask themselves but some ;
They come to us, but us love draws ;
He swallows us and never chaws ;
    By him, as by chain'd shot, whole ranks do die ;
    He is the tyrant pike, our hearts the fry.

If 'twere not so, what did become
    Of my heart when I first saw thee?
I brought a heart into the room,
    But from the room I carried none with me.
If it had gone to thee, I know
Mine would have taught thine heart to show
    More pity unto me ; but Love, alas !
    At one first blow did shiver it as glass.

Yet nothing can to nothing fall,
    Nor any place be empty quite ;
Therefore I think my breast hath all
    Those pieces still, though they be not unite ;
And now, as broken glasses show
A hundred lesser faces, so
    My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore,
    But after one such love, can love no more

Peace,

C.

Well, for those of you who noticed I was gone---I'm back.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, and I just couldn't find the time to get on here and regale you with my greatness. 

And then the times I could, well, I had no greatness to regale you with--what a sad conundrum.

Anyway, I am back, and I have this week off, though it's still fairly loaded with work and projects.  I am sometimes convinced that we need a vacation from our vacations.

Well, I shall post more soon.

Hope you all have been well...

Peace--

C.

This is from "The Jerk"

Navin is speaking about how he fell "in love" with his lady. So below--you will find his skewed timeline and his testimonial to all of "our"  relationship timelines.

[Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps]

I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Don't forget to add what your eating, needing, or shooting and why!

Have fun all!

C. 

Pick the month you were born in

1 - I ate
2 - I needed
3 - I ran naked with
4 - I shot
5 - I killed
6 - I smoked with
7 - I banged
8 - I stabbed
9 - I ran shirtless with
10 - I cuddled with
11 - I slept with
12-I killed

Pick the day (number) you were born on

01 - the kool-aid man
02 - a dog
03 - a jew
04 - a toothbrush
05 - Santa Claus
06 - a homo
07 - Barny the dinosaur
08 - a prostitute
09 - a pornstar
10 - a bag of weed
11 - the trojan man
12 - Paris Hilton
13 - my lover
14 - a lesbian
15 - a pickle
16 - a stripper
17 - a shoe
18 - a horse
19 - an orange
20 - a crackhead
21 - a homeless guy
22 - a whore
23 - my crush
24 - a easter egg
25 - a jar of honey
26 - a condom
27 - a bowl of cereal
28 - a french fry
29 - your dealer
30 - a glass of milk
31 - Ur grandma



Pick the color of shirt you are wearing

White - Because thats how i roll
Black - because im sexy as hell
Pink - Because the little people told me to
Red - because I have AMAZING boobs
Blue - because I'm a pimp and your jealous
Polka Dots - because I hate my life
Purple - because I'm gay
Gray - because I love marijuana
Other - because I have double D's
Green - because I'm good in bed
Orange - because I smoke crack
Turquoise - because I have a noodle in my nose
Brown - because i had to
Shirtless - because I've got abs

The Resting Place of Smiles

I am your welcome hello 

I am on the shore,

I am fragile, breaking beneath your breath....

my connection to heaven-- long severed...  

I have said good-bye long ago,

though I've wondered when you'll return,

when I'll be able to connect a with b

and c with d.

Empty space

you wave to me.

A hurricane

a magnitude of years. 

a scalding of regret.

• "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -  Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
• "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"  - Official Court Records
• "I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on its head." - Yogi Berra
• "Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands." -  Senator Jesse Helms (R-North Carolina)
• "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."- Dan Quayle
• "You can observe a lot by watching."  - Yogi Berra
• "So that's 24 points for Schumacher and 23 points for Hill-so there's only one point between them if my mental arithmetic is correct." -  BBC sports commentator Murray Walker
• "The patient refused an autopsy."  -  from a medical report appearing in the Journal of Court Reporting
• "Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." - Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972
• "Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles.  The earth does not have limbs or muscles.  Therefore, it does not move."- Scipio Chiaramonti, distinguished mediaeval scientist
• "They need help, and we have helped, and we are here to help. And we are helping, and we're going to continue to help."   Vice President Dan Quayle, discussing federal help in the Chicago floods
• "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated."- Secretary of State James Baker
• Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? Opposing attorney: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.  -  Official Court Records 

I think; therefore, I am" -René Descartes-

"I feel; therefore, I am" -Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Both of these statements were made by men living around the same time period (17th Century), but each obviously valuing something radically different from the other.  Whether to live as an intellectual being or one driven by emotion--it's still a question many of us continue to ask today.

But the question is not so much which, but is, instead, do we have to choose? 

Must one be without the other?  Or can we blend and merge them?

Theoretically, I think it can be done.  I do believe, however, that most people fall more to one side or the other.  I know I find I am most calm, most okay when things are organized, logical--when I can devote myself to reading, researching, and educating.  It seems most right then; I feel most in my element.  I feel most powerful and in control.

For even the short time that I allowed myself to "date" or become emotional about a man, it seemed to turn my world upside down.  Perhaps, that says something about my character (or lack thereof), but I felt completely out of control, completely unfocused, completely not okay.  I felt powerless and horrible most of the time. 

Now, I am sure that in the right relationship that might not happen.  I also think that I sometimes tend to overcompensate for my overly emotionally nature.  I don't like it to get the best of me, as it has in my younger years, so I try to do what I can to deal in things that are intellectual, mind-related--things that I can be passionate about without risking too much of my emotional self.  I love that idea--the idea of passion without risk.

Reading your blog got me thinking about this, as your list included knowledge, then love.  I hope you are more successful than I have been at having both.  I have either been a slave to emotion or a complete evader of it completely.  Though I do have to say, that in the worst situations, it was my ability to think, reason, and know that I was intelligent that helped get me out.  I do not think love can be completely successful and healthy without some good old-fashioned intelligence thrown in.

Well, I don't know really what I'm saying, maybe I'm saying nothing, and I guess that's okay.  For me, knowledge is absolute; love, is a crap-shoot, and at this stage, I think I'll agree with Descartes and leave Mr. Rousseau's theory for the optimists.

C.

Currently Listening Rites of Passage By Indigo Girls Ghost

Okay, I know we all want to find that special person, but I have come to the decision that that are some of us that do better to just stay on our own.  There are many reasons for this, perhaps we are too difficult to please, live with, be around, etc. I also think that the fiercely independent find it hard to open up and share anything.  It's such a foreign concept and doesn't seem to make any real sense for any long expanse of time.   Anyway, in my infinite wisdom, I've composed a list of the top 11 reasons why it's good to be alone.    

TOP 11 REASONS IT'S GOOD TO BE ALONE  

1.  You can look how you want.

2.  You can eat what you want.

3.  You can do what you want.

4.  You don't have to check in with anyone

5.  You can buy what you want.

6.  You can develop a confidence level so high, no one can touch you.

7.  You get the whole bed.

8.  There are half as many things to wash.

9.  You have less of a chance of getting hurt.

10. You can hang out with whomever you choose without worry of the "jealous boy/girlfriend" shit.

11. It's just so much more relaxing.

12. No one wlking in on you when your in the middle of poopin'. (Submitted by Kenneth, approved by me.)

I realize this may sound harsh, but as I can only say that I wish someone would have slapped me when I was 17 and said, "No!"  "Live your life for you, and then you'll find the perfect companion along the way, and if you don't, than who the hell cares?"  

Granted, I don't think less of anyone in the quest for love, why would I?

I have my moments of weakness as well, but then I realize that I am not a person that's "relationship material "so to speak.  Most of the time, probably 95% of the time, I'm okay with that.   I mean, I just don't have the right stuff to be with someone for the long term.  I can't hack it, and I'm just too used to being alone at this point, to be any good in a relationship type situation. 

The truth hurts, but it's better to admit and know than to hurt too many people in the process.    Those few times I've allowed myself to need anyone, to depend on them, has blown up in my face.  Not all...but most.  

 Even the best of friends willl abandon you for "love;"  don't doubt it.  I've seen it many times.   Well, that's it for now.  Reality 101 will close for the day.  Take what you want and leave what you don't.    It matters not to me.  

For a moment today I pondered ths whole idea of Eden....

And I wondered, if living in paradise, if having all ones desired "seemingly" satisfied, why would Eve want for more?  Why was she still seeking "something?"

It's an interesting question, and since that question was answered by Eve's supposed fall from grace and direct plunging of the rest of us poor sods into sin, one still can ask and does ask why? 

Why such a harsh punishment?

Why wasn't there a review on "better things to do than talk to snakes?"

Why?

And why the hell do we always have to ask why?

It seems our nature to ask the one question than in almost all situations is without any satisfying answer.  Yet we ask on.....we're such lemmings sometimes--onward to the sea we go, and damn...we forgot our life jackets.

I'm not being insulting.  I'm a lemming too.  I have been asking this why question a lot of late, and am as tired of asking it as I am tired of the lack of reply. 

What is real is that there are millions of why's, and what's also real is getting it in our dense grey matter, that there are no absolutes.  There are no answers. 

In spite of the holy rollers who tell us God has the answers, and that we just need to have faith., and that all will be revealed in time, we're all just still shuffling around in Eden.

I say fuck faith and fuck "revealed in time."

In spite of hating all the uncertainty, I'd still rather put my "faith"in a strong resume and letters of reference than in any fatalistic apple tasting and tower crashing.

I hope you would too.

Peace All,

c.

If you hate stereotypes and think ppl should just shut up and be who they are instead of judging who everyone else is, post your "wrongful stereotype" in the comments section.

**pick the stereotype that fits you**

I'm SKINNY, so i MUST be aneorexic

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a stupid ditz

I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be smart.

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a *brat.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.

I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST be "evil" and not have any morals.

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.

I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST be a drunk son of a gun.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...

I'm a DANCER, So i must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore

I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals

I'm ITALIAN, so I must be in some sort of mob.

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!!

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be doing them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.

I have BiG BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.

I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.

I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy

I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy

I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas

Im a STONER so i MUST be going in the wrong direction

Im a VIRGIN so i MUST be prude

Im STRAIGHT EDGE so i must be violent.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.

I'm BI so I MUST think every girl i see is hot.

I'm ASIAN so I MUST have a small penis.

I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so i MUST be fat.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm ASIAN so i must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I'm MIXED so i must be SEXY

I listen to MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, so I MUST be a scene kid.

I'm MUSLIM so i MUST be covered up at all times.

I'm in ORCHESTRA/BAND, so i must be a geek

I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect

I'm Depressed so I MUST be emo and cut myself

I'm a Blaxican so i am a messed up kid

I'm a Bosnian so I must shoot up malls

If you hate stereotypes--stop and post something.  Judgment has to stop!

Well, I think I am back from my small haitus but still mulling on my current situation.  It seems to take up quite a bit of my time this being angry at people who don't deserve my anger or my adoration.  They are small minded people from a small community who have developed "God-Complexes" of sorts and have made it their personal mission to rid the town of those that don't think, believe, smell, look, or resemble them. 

And what makes me more pissed is I spend a lot more time mulling over my response to these individuals than they probably spend choosing their dinner entrees.  All I can say is BASTARDS and I wish they'd all SOD OFF. 

Anyway, on to other topics....

This is my top eleven list of things I want, need, or would be amused by at this point in time:

1. The person's  head on a platter who is currently responsible for my shit situation.

2. Two faced bitches to die and stop talking to me.

3. My job in tact.

4. A decent boyfriend type who doesn't want to marry me after a week.

5. Pasta

6. Cabernet

7. The winter storm watch to become a winter storm warning

8. Peace of Mind

9. An apology for the over-zealous meglomaniacs who man our board.

10. To sleep through the whole night.

11. Sex (sorry five years is a long time; I might as well be a eunich!)

Thank you eveyrone for your shout-outs....

 I'm feeling a little better, these lunatics in my town are making my life incredibly difficult, so I had a moment a weakness the other night, and it really "sucked," for lack of a better word.  I just felt kind of hopeless there for a bit.

 Thanks for the comments, and yes, Kenneth....this thing is on.... :)

Break 19 to Barnabus, come on back...The Crazy C is back on the the air.  10-4?

Later All and Thanks Again,

C.

P.S.  Check out this link if you want to see something completely stupid, moronic, and that has no redeeming quality whatsoever.  One word of warning, don't leave til you see the "snake."

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/badgers.php

please someone talk to me?

i cannot take another night....

please?

 is anyone there?

This poem seemed an apt addition to my blog and my daily mantra to myself.... :)

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas-

Okay, will maybe not literally screwed.....

I found out I've lost my job due to the insane dislike of my local "crazy christian" chapter.  Now, it's not all of them.  Our catholics, lutherans, and methodists are fairly low-key, but the baptists living in our town, run our town.

It's a sad situation to know that the church/state line is so blurred, that I'm fairly sure this town has lost it and is helpless to find it without intervention by a group of highly literate, fearless, card-carrying ACLU members who may or may not be atheists or agnostics.  And trust me folks, I don't see that coming down the pike any time soon.

I go to present my case before our "christian board" this next week.  I'm sure it won't matter, but I am going to write a speech of greatness that will fall somewhere between the president's speech from the movie "Independence Day" and the one Robin Williams gives in "Patch Adams." 

Anyway, it sucks and I'm hurt, angry, depressed, and many other adjectives, I'm just to depressed to dig out of my muddled brain right now.

Wish me luck all....

I'm going to need it.

C.

BENT

breathing deeply

the realness

of the moment

glides slowly around my mind...

though i

reject it

i'm still left

breathless

silently screaming

repentant

and

rebellious

in the heat

of your judgment

Though I'm bent

I won't break

and the scar

I wear now

will fade

as the weight of

your sin

bears you

hard and fast

toward nothing more

than

dust,

sand,

bone....

to nothing more

than filth

beneath my feet.

This is the song that angered the masses last evening, as well as being one of my top favorite songs as well.  The introduction to this song rocks.....I freaking LOVE IT!  Follow the url for head banging and revenge fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kORuuYvCQnA

Happy Head Banging All!

P.S. If anyone could tell me how to actually embed the video in my post, I'd appreciate it.  I tried a couple of times, and it didn't work.  Thanks!

C.

Currently Listening The Poison By Bullet for My Valentine Tears Don't Fall

Good Morning All:

Well, it figures....

It's a morning I can sleep in, but am I?  No. 

As my little munchkins dream away their mornings, I am wide awake contemplating the fun factor of laundry, bathroom scrubbing, and/or, bed stripping.

Now, I know...you're all jealous.  Who wouldn't be?  The domesitic life I live is something for people to covet.  Don't doubt it.  I've seen the envious stares as I load my shopping cart up with cleaning products at the local mega-mart.  It's sad, but I do understand.

Well, on to other equally exciting news...

I called and left a message for my psuedo-maybe-new-boyfriend reporter man.  I asked him to call me as there was something I wanted to ask him.  Now this is vague enough that he could assume I'm just wanting to ask about the story, so I'm hoping he'll call, and after I'm done cleaning and scrubbing like the indentured serveant I am, I hope to be heading out to the local wine bar for a high priced glass of vino (no beer substitute tonight).

Anyway, duty calls as well as my coffee pot.

Later all,

C

Currently Listening Back Into Your System By Saliva Always

The Unattainable

I'm here

Scarred

And left needing

More than this hurt

More than this fear

I'd kneel before you

As your supplicant

But your face is stone

And there's no penace, no peace.

When will my desire for you

Stop pulsing through me?

Pulling and ripping

Destroying me from the inside out?

I bleed for you

And live in pain.

There's nothing

That feels right

Or real anymore

I turn the lights off